An unexpected emotion

November 4, 2010

Jnuts was allowed to have an orgasm on Tuesday night, after 13 days.  It was wonderful, and I gave him a reprieve until this weekend.  He is allowed to orgasm, but only with me present and he is allowed to play with himself only with my consent.  These are the rules that have been in place since we first ventured into the world of MC, and there is no question as to whether  or not he will follow them.  I trust him totally, and he was the one who wanted the rules in the first place.  So even though he is having orgasms, I am still in control.   So what the hell is all of this anxiety that I am feeling?  He isn’t even locked up yet, still waiting on the JB from MM to arrive.  There really is no change, except he is having orgasms.  Yet I am there.  I don’t get why I am so freaked out.

I talked to Jnuts last night about this, and actually how the whole thing came out is I started with the “are you mad at me ” type questions.  I have an anxiety disorder, and have received treatment for it in the past.  I have commented to Jnuts that MC seems to be better for me than my meds were in the past.  Not sure why.  I think that it a equalizer for us.  I used to work , and my work was how I was identified by.   I lived and breathed my career.  I was also involved in an 11 year affair with a co-worker that was much more than an affair. I ended my first marriage because of it, but he remained married.  When I ended it to be with Jnuts, he was able to use ammunition to end my career as well. (this took several years, but it worked)  I lost a lot myself, and my anxiety increased then.  I had been the primary source of income, and thankfully Jnuts had just been hired at an amazing company that he is quickly moving up in, so although the loss of money hurts it is not killing us.  I guess I feel like I don’t have a role anymore.  Yes I am Mom and primary childcare provider and decision maker with them.  But I don’t think that was enough for me.  The power that MC gives me seemed to equate that.  Now for some reason I feel lost again.  I told him last night that I could never see me going back to not controlling his orgasms.  The thought scares me, and I don’t know why.

I know this is making no sense, but Jnuts wanted to me to try writing it all down.



  1. I am glad to know I am not the only woman who gets anxious when her husband is unlocked. I get anxious and in a slightly pissy mood (maybe even more than pissy). Two-three weeks ago, when we had our bust of a release weekend, Ab put his device on (Sat. night) and my mood instantly improved. He noticed and seemed a little bit amazed by the transformation.

    I hope he remembers this and is locked up by the time I get home tonight. He has already apologized for his bad mood last night. Let’s hope he doesn’t give me a reason to be in a bad mood tonight.


  2. I can’t believe how dependent I am on it already. I did it because he wanted to try it, and less than 2 months later I am freaking out after 24 hours.

  3. In our defense, Belle, both you and I are fairly new to the game (Ab and I started in mid-August so not quite three months). I don’t think we’ve been through enough “cycles” to fully appreciate all the ups and downs. When we started, I think we went for 6 or 7 weeks when we had sex every single night (and that usually included an orgasm for me. Of course I want to keep playing!). We have finally calmed down a bit–I think we are working towards the “new” normal which is good because I don’t want to go back to the old way of doing things. But I also don’t want the new normal to mean he’s not wearing a device. There’s a way high hotness factor for me when he’s locked up and I don’t want to give that up.


  4. Belle,

    I think it’s wonderful that you can point a finger at your anxiety and say “that’s what’s causing it”, regardless of whether it makes sense or not. My wife has struggled with that all her life. I’ll know something’s bothering her, and she can’t articulate it. Sometimes I have to get her angry, just so that she’ll start ranting, and suddenly she’ll blurt what’s in the back of her mind, and we can finally start working the REAL issue.

    I think he was right to nudge you to blog (blurt) about it, to see what comes out. If you don’t feel you’ve gotten to the root of it, keep digging! Is it that he’s not wearing the device? Is it that he may decide he doesn’t like the lifestyle, and “take back” that control? I think you should keep digging. Until you can say the words, he can’t work with you to resolve the anxiety.


    • Anxiety is an ugly beast. It is very hard to know what is normal anxiety, and what is the disorder. I have struggled with it my whole life, and also treated others professionally for it. Even now I still suffer and often have to have an “explosion” to get to the root of what is bothering me. Your wife is a lucky woman to have someone who understands her so well.

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